Sentiment lost in language

Withholding expectations of others does not “keep the peace” instead it premeditates resentment and disappointment. Avoiding conversations prolongs the lifespan of discomfort and suffering, for both you and your partner. When you share a request or criticism in a relationship the delivery enables or impairs your partner to receive and respond with compassion and understanding. Whether your frustrated at a behaviour or incident within your relationship, or holding expectations for upcoming events. It is easy to fall into avoidance in an attempt to prevent conflict, with the goal of preserving the peace in your relationship. But do not mistake unspoken frustration or disappointment for peace. Disturbances whether above or below the surface provide implications on our wellbeing and ability to connect authentically. As the trees rupture through concrete pavement our unsettled emotions and thoughts displace our peace and revoke our potential for harmony. Throughout each relationship you have, within friendships, family and partners a time will come where frustration or upset seeps into quality time.

When communicating a criticism/expectation consider using “I feel” statements over “you did/ didn’t”. For example “I really value the bathroom being a space where I can feel clean and comfortable, when you flush with the seat up I feel like it is a dirty space. It makes me feel unclean and stressed”. Don’t presume because you have mentioned something previously that someone is maliciously avoiding your request. Habits are strong and we all have a few we suddenly question when confronted by others. Using “I” statements prevents unintended insults forming, keeping the conversation polite and respectful.

When communicating a request consider the time and place, I am a firm believer that corrections should be discussed in private. Your intentions are not to humiliate anyone, but to address a situation or expectation you have. Discuss these matters in a setting the other person feels comfortable in and consider what’s going on right now? Is this a suitable time for them to receive and respond to the conversation? Focus on a behaviour over character. For example “ I’ve noticed you haven’t been X much this week, I know you usually do, is there anything I can do to help? Your primary goal here is to ensure you do not cast the impression that their behaviour is being perceived as their overall character. You are not implying they are lazy or inconsiderate, your recognising a habit or behaviour is not going as you know they may want it to. You want to make sure they see that you understand this behaviour is a reflection of them in this particular instance not who they are.

Your delivery of expectations in conversations sets your partner up to connect or to withdraw. Insults, aggression and blame lead to stonewalling and arguments. Compassion, understanding and empathy facilitate growth and pull you closer to your partner. The goal is always to end the conversation feeling like you understand more about who they are and how they work. You are informing them of your thoughts and feelings because you want to find a solution. Remember when your sibling, partner or friend shares their expectations or a criticism it’s an attempt to connect. People often fail in the moment to use these ideas and philosophy flys out of the window when we’re upset. But regaining focus and understanding in a conversation is just as hard but important as delivering our thoughts and feelings with initial consideration.

Love,

Amy.